Is happiness a choice?
Sometimes.
The "happiness is a choice" slogan is so universal that it can seem heretical to even question it. In dealing with the ups and downs of my own life, I've often found it a useful tool for getting back on track after a disappointment or a mistake. (I'll return to this point later.) But there are very good reasons why "happiness is a choice" is not a good slogan for the way we live our whole lives.
The fact is that alarming things that can happen when we focus all of our brain matter on choosing to be happy. We stuff all the complex and wonderful mysteries inside us--dreams, secrets, images, wisps of feelings and memories--into a big, boring triangle, with the conscious mind--the part of ourselves that makes choices--on top.
To put it more simply: Instead of swimming around all the wondrously strange things hidden in our souls, we try to focus all our energy into making a choice. This capacity to choose is empowering and important, but it's only a small slice of who we are, and it shouldn't be our pilot all the time.
At its best, life offers us multiple options, some of them scary. When things go wrong, it may be time for extensive soul searching and a wide-ranging quest for new options: Break off a relationship? Go back to school Change careers? Move? Start/Stop going to church? Look for professional help?
If we decide that gritting our teeth and choosing happiness is the answer to every problem, we may not screw up the courage to take the difficult steps that lead to genuine fulfillment.
Of course "happiness is a choice" can be a useful tool, but only if we know when to apply it--and when not to. Faced with an emergency or a disappointment beyond our control, the happiness-is-a-choice mantra can remind us to look for ways to make the best of a situation. The unhappiest people I've ever known have been total failures at this, sinking into gloom any time things didn't go their way.
One time when I was growing up, a planned Girl Scout cookout threatened to turn into a disaster: The park officials wouldn't admit our group because of some technicality. A short time later our troop leader had all of us happily cooking hotdogs in her backyard. What a great example of problem solving she set for us!
But that doesn't mean we should pull the "Happiness is a choice" slogan out of our pockets every time something goes wrong. Problems with relationships, jobs, families, and lifestyle choices may require drastic changes in our outlook and behavior--an especially scary prospect when the image we've polished so diligently is in for some dings and scratches.
It takes courage and humility to admit that what worked yesterday isn't working today, and to stop trying to plaster over the cracks that keep showing up beneath the serene visage we've worked so hard to perfect. And--an even harder truth to accept--attaining real happiness can demand much more effort than we ever expected. I've often thought that "Happiness is a commitment" might be a much more useful mantra than the endlessly repeated "Happiness is a choice."
The good news is that adventures and discoveries await us, along with new opportunities to connect with fellow travelers who have embarked on the same journey. And maybe, without realizing it, we'll be blazing a pathway for someone else who needs to take that scary first step toward an amazing life.
Jean Reynolds, Ph.D., is Professor Emeritus at Polk State College and the author of seven books. Visit her website at http://www.soulspace.us/ to learn more about the truths hidden within our anxieties and depression. Her book "Gretel's Story: Finding the Way Home" (available at http://amzn.com/144218888X ) explores the themes of emptiness, betrayal, family, and love from the perspective of the soul's secrets and mysteries.
